Grocery Store Tales: Fresh Fruit

I got a job at a grocery store, just to discover what's really going on. I'l be revealing their secrets to you in this ongoing series.

Here's how to tell if fruit is fresh:

• Inspect an apple closely for flaws. If the apple is fresh, it will gaze also into you, and find your flaws. Be ready for some painful revelations.


• Toss an orange up in the air and catch it. If it grows ten times as dense mid-air, and it breaks your hand, it is fresh.


• Thump a cantelope with your finger. If it makes an angry barking/coughing noise and tries to bite you and then run away, it's missing a c.


• Psychoanalyze a banana. If it is repressing anger over not getting enough attention and control during its childhood, the banana is fresh and ripe.


• Spin a watermelon on one finger, like it's a basketball. The watermelon is fresh either way; I just wanted to see if you could do that.


• Argue whether a tomato is a fruit or a vegetable. If you conclude that it's a fruit, it's fresh. If someone mentions that it's actually a member of the nightshade family, it's overripe and you should throw it away.


• Sing to a strawberry. If your voice is clear and bold, it's fresh. If you're too embarrassed to sing to a strawberry right there in the grocery store, give it a few days.


• Draw a face on a mango. If the face is happy, the mango is ready to eat. If the face is pensive, wait a few days.


• Neglect a pear. If the pear grows stronger in adversity, it's ready to eat.


• Release a peach. If the peach returns to you, it's yours to eat. If it flies away, it was never yours to begin with.


• Taunt a pineapple. If the pineapple explodes into a ball of spectacular concussive fire, it was fresh and delicious, but it's too late now, isn't it? I guess that one's bad advice. My bad, sorry.