Epilogue

"I want you to understand something," said the thing slobbering before me, all blue and spotted and toothy -- the many-limbed froglike mummified monstrosity in front of me, "I don't enjoy eating these people. I'm doing it for ideological reasons."

What do you say to that? It's useless to debate with a monster.

So I nodded and sipped my cola.

It crunched bones in its massive jaws.

"Where was I?" it hissed hungrily. The tone of voice suggested that I could easily be next.

"Ideological reasons," I mumbled. I didn't know what tone of voice would best reduce my chances of being eaten. I was pretty sure it wasn't a mumble, but it's hard to muster a lot of volume when it seems like every choice will get you eaten.

"Thank you," it said, "Yes, ideological reasons."

"Uh, don't tread on me," I mumbled.

Fortunately, it ignored that remark.

"Ideological reasons. Not, mind you, because I'm devoted to monstrosity, and eating people is part of the job. I'm past that. I'm secure in my monsterhood."

I really should make a rule about listening to monologues.

"They were a city council who passed a law requiring that all cars be replaced by steam-powered giant insect machines. I can't allow that kind of inanity," something unwholesome glistened, floating in its eye.

I cleared my throat. It seemed to notice me for the first time. It hissed at me, fangs bared.

In my panic, I stammered out, "I didn't come here to cause any trouble!"

It raised a curious eyebrow. I had its attention, for better or worse.

I didn't know what to say, and the words just fell out of my mouth, "I... Uh, I just came to do the Superbowl Shuffle."

It was the right thing to say. I'm okay now. Who knew?