Elope with me, Miss Private, and we'll drink ourselves awake.

It took me all day today to reach the guru at the mountaintop. It used to take like three or four days but I come up here a lot so I have plenty of practice.

"Just checking in," I said, "what's new and enlightening?"

He stroked his long, grey, hackneyed beard in thought and answered, "I'm working on a new meditation to duplicate the effects of four glasses of wine. That elusive light-headedness where everything feels romantic and interesting and you're not worried about anything but you're not overexcited or sleepy either, like your life is a very beautiful painting and all you need to do is wave the brush and it'll take shape."

I scowled at the guru.

"I haven't had wine in ten years," he said, "and the thing is, the more you seek that moment, the less you'll have it. Plus I have a lot of alcoholism in my family. Anyway, I'm working on a meditation now for that same feeling without the risks. Come back in six months for progress. I'll probably have a good name for it by then, too - the Four Fermented Scholars Meditation, maybe, or the Sober Drunkard Technique."

"Risky!" I said brightly, and climbed back down. We all need to learn new ways to ease our fears, I suppose.